The Impossible Ideal

I always thought I looked fat in this pic.
 Really?  Dork YES... Fat?... NO! 

Do you ever have those retrospective moments of—WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I've been having many of those moments lately, brought on mostly by old photos of myself. Sure, the questionable fashions sense (hello Debbie Gibson bowler hat & multiples!) is cause for a giggle now, but I look back on pictures of myself from even a few months ago and say, how the hell did you ever think you were fat? Fashion comes and goes, but love for yourself should always be a constant. I can’t say I have love for myself in many photos.

I’m not my nicest critic. I pick on myself constantly. Admit it, you do it too. We all have something seriously wrong with us. I've always thought I needed to lose weight, not because I was heavy but because who wouldn't want to be the bra-less, flawless little summer dress wearin’ stick figure? I could never pull that off without worrying about my ladies stealing the show. Thinner is better, duh. Thinner means happy, duh. Thin is in, and I need it.

Clearly, I am a product of the impossible ideal that is set upon us as women. We hear it all of the time, blah blah blah love yourself. Blah blah blah airbrushing in magazines. Blah blah blah diets.  Seriously. BLAH BLAH FECKING BLAH.

Finally going holistic and ditching numbing medications I had been taking for years felt great—what doesn't so much is my immediate and sudden weight gain because of it. Yes, I genuinely feel a more harmonious balance within myself, but I’m talkin’ about a weight GAIN people. I’m slowly but surely getting healthy again, but this has challenged me to truly look within and realize—KATE, YOU WERE NEVER FAT... and guess what?! YOU STILL AREN'T FAT! 

So here I am. Trying so hard to love myself and the added “warmth” that comes with me now. I never ever EVER thought in a million years that I would WANT to be the size I was three months ago. I wasn't happy with my size then, I wish I could tell that old Kate she was crazy.  

http://www.trulykate.com/2012/06/night-my-boobs-got-best-of-me.html[trulykate.com]

I am learning that it isn't about being thin. It’s about being healthy, and truly, genuinely and wholeheartedly being kind to myself and my body. I think about all of the energy that I have given to hating my body rather than loving it and working with it. So I am just going to say it here people, I don’t want to be a stick thin woman. I appreciate my curves and how sexy they can be, if I EMBRACE THEM. That is what it is inevitably all about. Embracing, owning and loving who you are at this very moment.

I was hesitant to even write this post- because hell no did I want you all to get the impression that I was fat… but genuinely… if you can judge others based on their issues, weight or otherwise, then you have to look within yourself to uncover your OWN insecurities. After all, it isn't about what you think, it’s about how I feel… and day by day I feel happier and healthier.

Blah blah blah….Love yourself!

Healing is Yours

In this world we live in, we share EVERYTHING. We tweet or post about our feelings, we share stories and dig deep to find our souls meaning over coffee with friends. We over analyze situations to make them work in our favor, and we share some of our deepest feelings with others. Sometimes, when we don’t share, we almost feel guilty. Like we are keeping something from a close friend. I mean if you aren't willing to share it, maybe you shouldn't be doing it correct?

INCORRECT.

When it comes to healing, I genuinely believe that is yours and yours only. Clearly I am telling you about my healing process, but I refuse to share every gritty detail. In fact there have been times where I have been hesitant to share for a fear of over sharing. When you work so hard at something, or when you have an inner struggle only you can truly understand, getting through the process is part of the process. Sometimes you come to a point in your life where you need to do things because they may work for YOU, and because you have nothing to lose in exploring new ways to heal yourself.

Over the past month I have had dozens of people contact me saying that they would love to experience a “healing” journey like my own, but their friends, significant others and family would never understand why they would go to an energy healer?! BONKERS. They would be laughed at. It hurts my heart a bit when I hear this, because I realize how much energy we put into what other people think. How much we feel the need to share and be open about every little detail of our lives. 

We need to bring that energy back to ourselves. If you choose to seek help from a Shaman or a Holistic Doctor, get acupuncture or go for a quick relaxation weekend, that is your choice, no one else’s. We have this fear, so to say, about being viewed upon as selfish. But doing things for yourself, for your soul is just as important as eating and sleeping. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. I mean it. Please be kind to yourself. This journey is YOURS. NEVER EVER LOSE SIGHT OF THAT. Trust me when I say, when your soul is at peace with itself, your relationships with others and your view of the world around you is far more amazing than you can envision.

Think about it, can you imagine holding yourself back from being your best self because of someone else's opinion? It almost seems ridiculous doesn't it? And you can’t blame them for holding you back, you can only blame yourself. Do not waste one more second of your life and your well-being on what others may think of you. After all, this is your life to live isn't it?     

What an incredible month it has been for me. I have never felt more connected to myself and my soul, and I am relishing in every moment. I am taking in all of the changes and giving myself a well deserved pat on the back for sticking it out, and working through the hardest times to find this peace. I wish the same for you. All of you. I am also so grateful for the support of my family, friends, co-workers and you. My journey is just beginning and I am learning every day that there is so much to be said for keeping things close to your heart. 

xo

Shama-Lama-Healing

I recently encountered a situation in which I could have easily reacted negatively. I wanted to use harsh hurtful words, I wanted to scream and I wanted to place blame… I tried, but I genuinely just could not do it. I could not be negative. Instead, I gave love and empathy, because as of now, that is all I know. 

On the suggestion of my holistic doctor, I saw Lisa Weikel, a Shaman. The experience itself is one I’ll never forget; the Kate before it is one I can now hardly relate to. I hadn’t heard of a Shaman at the time, so for those of you who may not know, it is a form of energy healing. A healing of the spirit so to say. 

In the past, there have been times when… well how do I say this gently to myself… I was a completely guarded negative human. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have a heart full of love, it just means that I was unable to let go of some things in my life. Things I couldn’t even comprehend. Until now. 

You know the feeling of wanting to be happy but being unable to figure out why you aren’t? I had debilitating nightmares and anxiety that clouded the blessings of great friends, an amazing family and fantastic opportunities in my life. Sure, I’ve had my share of hardships, but they certainly didn’t outweigh the positives. I was put on medication to ease my seemingly “out of left field” fears.

A New Way Of Life

Bird chirping weather rolls around and many people feel rejuvenated and motivated to clean their houses, or purge crap from a closet. Recently I made the decision to clean out a hell of a lot more than my closet… I am cleaning out my life.

I have been through rough times in the past years. Many different illnesses, ranging from serious to not so serious and from physical to emotional. I have been put on many different medications, some of which I believed were necessary for me to live a happy life. Through time I realized that the medications that were supposed to be making me better were making me worse. Fogging my judgment, puffing me up like a balloon, masking the true problems and putting me into a spiral I couldn’t get out of. These medications were not easily stopped. In fact, stopping them made me feel worse than before I started them. Something just wasn’t right. I was no longer in control of my body and its ability to heal.