Tuesday, October 8, 2013

The Pebble Path

It's a chilly summer day and I'm running down a pebble path winding through a beautiful country estate and out of breath tripping over my heels and trying to hold my dress down as the breeze blows it up. My hair keeps getting caught in my lip-gloss. I reach a pair of doors, compose myself, and walk in and down large white marble steps to find a gentleman in a suit and a brunette in a beautiful white dress with their backs towards me. As I reach the bottom of the stairs, the gentleman turns around, locks eyes with me and says "you're late."

And that was it. That was where the dream ends every single time. Although I haven't had it in a long time, this dream recurred through college, and that gentleman is someone I have known since we were kids. Someone who I always viewed as a person who was going through life at the same speed as I was. I never truly understood this dream until the other evening when this old friend called me to tell me he was engaged. My heart fell into my stomach. Not because I wanted to be the girl in the white dress standing next to him, but because this was the moment where, for the first time, I felt I was behind the curve. Through all of my friends getting married, engaged, divorced and having children, this was a defining moment for me. I was questioning my own path. The point is, he was the person I would compare myself to when others were zipping by. I didn't feel so behind schedule, because he was still navigating his way through his own path. 

Life has changed so much in the past couple of years, and while I don't regret my decisions, I do find myself stopping to think why are you here? What are you spending your days thinking about? What do you truly want out of today? I have answered those questions for myself, and the answers weren't easy to face. I have to change things to make them happen.

Things change - people change- relationships change. We tend to give power to people we can compare ourselves to. We put too much weight on what they are doing. Put that energy into yourself. I have to stop thinking about their paths and focus on my own. Confront your own journey. Voice your needs and follow where you want to go.

I am sure some reading this might wonder if I wish I took a different path. The answer is no. I see that pebbled path as something different now. It's not as smooth as marble for sure but it's exciting and it's mine. I never did respond in that dream. Who knows maybe each time I was happy just where I was and was late because I was coming from somewhere I was really supposed to be. My perfect ending to that dream? He turns around, says "you're late" and I respond "I know and that's okay."

Wednesday, July 24, 2013


How many times a day do you find yourself saying a negative statement… even when it’s not intended? I encourage you to start listening closely to yourself. For instance, when something really cracks my sheit up I say “it kills me”… ummm… no it doesn’t it makes you laugh silly. Or “I am such a dork.” I am truly beginning to realize that our words manifest themselves, even when it is not our intention.

I had my eyes opened to this the other day. A very wise woman told me “every time you say something negative say “cancel” out loud.” So I have been listening closely, and let me tell you, basically all you hear out of my mouth is “CANCEL.”  I play the Positive Polly card but what I really am is a Negative Nancy people! CANCEL THAT! I am positive but my reactions can be negative and I am working to change that. There… that is better. Here I am working diligently towards self respect and understanding, and although my mind is in the right place, my words are not.

Negativity is a drug. A toxic one that can ruin your life. I am making the choice right here and now to say no more negativity. I want a beautiful, happy life and to approach it with grace and courage. No need to hide behind toxic words so I can cheapen situations to make them seem not so bad. I want to wake up every morning looking forward to a new day. I refuse to diminish that because negativity is so much easier than kindness… even to one’s self. Mostly to one’s self actually. Isn’t it interesting that people are more apt to share negativity than joy sometimes? I truly believe there are some people in life who are embarrassed by joy. Meaning, if the joy goes away, or something happens, they have to face others around them asking where the joy went. Does this make sense?

It is like people who say they don’t want children because, they don’t want people to feel sorry for them if they can’t get pregnant. Or those who say they don’t want to be in a relationship, because they don’t want to face the crowd if the relationship ends. Those who say they can’t lose weight, because they don’t want people to think they are insecure. Think about it… you get what you put out there. Stop being a victim in your life—a victim of your degrading thoughts. Living like that… is absolutely exhausting. You are not a victim; truly, you may be the problem. A toxic part of YOUR OWN LIFE.

So CANCEL your negative thoughts. Listen really closely to yourself and respect yourself enough to want the best out of life. It is ok. It is amazing actually.


Monday, June 17, 2013

The Impossible Ideal

I always thought I looked fat in this pic.
 Really?  Dork YES... Fat?... NO! 
Do you ever have those retrospective moments of—WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I've been having many of those moments lately, brought on mostly by old photos of myself. Sure, the questionable fashions sense (hello Debbie Gibson bowler hat & multiples!) is cause for a giggle now, but I look back on pictures of myself from even a few months ago and say, how the hell did you ever think you were fat? Fashion comes and goes, but love for yourself should always be a constant. I can’t say I have love for myself in many photos.

I’m not my nicest critic. I pick on myself constantly. Admit it, you do it too. We all have something seriously wrong with us. I've always thought I needed to lose weight, not because I was heavy but because who wouldn't want to be the bra-less, flawless little summer dress wearin’ stick figure? I could never pull that off without worrying about my ladies stealing the show. Thinner is better, duh. Thinner means happy, duh. Thin is in, and I need it.

Clearly, I am a product of the impossible ideal that is set upon us as women. We hear it all of the time, blah blah blah love yourself. Blah blah blah airbrushing in magazines. Blah blah blah diets.  Seriously. BLAH BLAH FECKING BLAH.

Finally going holistic and ditching numbing medications I had been taking for years felt great—what doesn't so much is my immediate and sudden weight gain because of it. Yes, I genuinely feel a more harmonious balance within myself, but I’m talkin’ about a weight GAIN people. I’m slowly but surely getting healthy again, but this has challenged me to truly look within and realize—KATE, YOU WERE NEVER FAT... and guess what?! YOU STILL AREN'T FAT! 

So here I am. Trying so hard to love myself and the added “warmth” that comes with me now. I never ever EVER thought in a million years that I would WANT to be the size I was three months ago. I wasn't happy with my size then, I wish I could tell that old Kate she was crazy.  

I am learning that it isn't about being thin. It’s about being healthy, and truly, genuinely and wholeheartedly being kind to myself and my body. I think about all of the energy that I have given to hating my body rather than loving it and working with it. So I am just going to say it here people, I don’t want to be a stick thin woman. I appreciate my curves and how sexy they can be, if I EMBRACE THEM. That is what it is inevitably all about. Embracing, owning and loving who you are at this very moment.

I was hesitant to even write this post- because hell no did I want you all to get the impression that I was fat… but genuinely… if you can judge others based on their issues, weight or otherwise, then you have to look within yourself to uncover your OWN insecurities. After all, it isn't about what you think, it’s about how I feel… and day by day I feel happier and healthier.

Blah blah blah….Love yourself!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Healing is Yours

In this world we live in, we share EVERYTHING. We tweet or post about our feelings, we share stories and dig deep to find our souls meaning over coffee with friends. We over analyze situations to make them work in our favor, and we share some of our deepest feelings with others. Sometimes, when we don’t share, we almost feel guilty. Like we are keeping something from a close friend. I mean if you aren't willing to share it, maybe you shouldn't be doing it correct?


When it comes to healing, I genuinely believe that is yours and yours only. Clearly I am telling you about my healing process, but I refuse to share every gritty detail. In fact there have been times where I have been hesitant to share for a fear of over sharing. When you work so hard at something, or when you have an inner struggle only you can truly understand, getting through the process is part of the process. Sometimes you come to a point in your life where you need to do things because they may work for YOU, and because you have nothing to lose in exploring new ways to heal yourself.

Over the past month I have had dozens of people contact me saying that they would love to experience a “healing” journey like my own, but their friends, significant others and family would never understand why they would go to an energy healer?! BONKERS. They would be laughed at. It hurts my heart a bit when I hear this, because I realize how much energy we put into what other people think. How much we feel the need to share and be open about every little detail of our lives. 

We need to bring that energy back to ourselves. If you choose to seek help from a Shaman or a Holistic Doctor, get acupuncture or go for a quick relaxation weekend, that is your choice, no one else’s. We have this fear, so to say, about being viewed upon as selfish. But doing things for yourself, for your soul is just as important as eating and sleeping. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. I mean it. Please be kind to yourself. This journey is YOURS. NEVER EVER LOSE SIGHT OF THAT. Trust me when I say, when your soul is at peace with itself, your relationships with others and your view of the world around you is far more amazing than you can envision.

Think about it, can you imagine holding yourself back from being your best self because of someone else's opinion? It almost seems ridiculous doesn't it? And you can’t blame them for holding you back, you can only blame yourself. Do not waste one more second of your life and your well-being on what others may think of you. After all, this is your life to live isn't it?     

What an incredible month it has been for me. I have never felt more connected to myself and my soul, and I am relishing in every moment. I am taking in all of the changes and giving myself a well deserved pat on the back for sticking it out, and working through the hardest times to find this peace. I wish the same for you. All of you. I am also so grateful for the support of my family, friends, co-workers and you. My journey is just beginning and I am learning every day that there is so much to be said for keeping things close to your heart.