|I always thought I looked fat in this pic.|
Really? Dork YES... Fat?... NO!
Do you ever have those retrospective moments of—WHAT WAS I THINKING?
I've been having many of those moments lately, brought on mostly by old photos of myself. Sure, the questionable fashions sense (hello Debbie Gibson bowler hat & multiples!) is cause for a giggle now, but I look back on pictures of myself from even a few months ago and say, how the hell did you ever think you were fat? Fashion comes and goes, but love for yourself should always be a constant. I can’t say I have love for myself in many photos.
I’m not my nicest critic. I pick on myself constantly. Admit it, you do it too. We all have something seriously wrong with us. I've always thought I needed to lose weight, not because I was heavy but because who wouldn't want to be the bra-less, flawless little summer dress wearin’ stick figure? I could never pull that off without worrying about my ladies stealing the show. Thinner is better, duh. Thinner means happy, duh. Thin is in, and I need it.
Clearly, I am a product of the impossible ideal that is set upon us as women. We hear it all of the time, blah blah blah love yourself. Blah blah blah airbrushing in magazines. Blah blah blah diets. Seriously. BLAH BLAH FECKING BLAH.
Finally going holistic and ditching numbing medications I had been taking for years felt great—what doesn't so much is my immediate and sudden weight gain because of it. Yes, I genuinely feel a more harmonious balance within myself, but I’m talkin’ about a weight GAIN people. I’m slowly but surely getting healthy again, but this has challenged me to truly look within and realize—KATE, YOU WERE NEVER FAT... and guess what?! YOU STILL AREN'T FAT!
So here I am. Trying so hard to love myself and the added “warmth” that comes with me now. I never ever EVER thought in a million years that I would WANT to be the size I was three months ago. I wasn't happy with my size then, I wish I could tell that old Kate she was crazy.
I am learning that it isn't about being thin. It’s about being healthy, and truly, genuinely and wholeheartedly being kind to myself and my body. I think about all of the energy that I have given to hating my body rather than loving it and working with it. So I am just going to say it here people, I don’t want to be a stick thin woman. I appreciate my curves and how sexy they can be, if I EMBRACE THEM. That is what it is inevitably all about. Embracing, owning and loving who you are at this very moment.
I was hesitant to even write this post- because hell no did I want you all to get the impression that I was fat… but genuinely… if you can judge others based on their issues, weight or otherwise, then you have to look within yourself to uncover your OWN insecurities. After all, it isn't about what you think, it’s about how I feel… and day by day I feel happier and healthier.
Blah blah blah….Love yourself!