It's a chilly summer day and I'm running down a pebble path winding through a beautiful country estate and out of breath tripping over my heels and trying to hold my dress down as the breeze blows it up. My hair keeps getting caught in my lip-gloss. I reach a pair of doors, compose myself, and walk in and down large white marble steps to find a gentleman in a suit and a brunette in a beautiful white dress with their backs towards me. As I reach the bottom of the stairs, the gentleman turns around, locks eyes with me and says "you're late."
And that was it. That was where the dream ends every single time. Although I haven't had it in a long time, this dream recurred through college, and that gentleman is someone I have known since we were kids. Someone who I always viewed as a person who was going through life at the same speed as I was. I never truly understood this dream until the other evening when this old friend called me to tell me he was engaged. My heart fell into my stomach. Not because I wanted to be the girl in the white dress standing next to him, but because this was the moment where, for the first time, I felt I was behind the curve. Through all of my friends getting married, engaged, divorced and having children, this was a defining moment for me. I was questioning my own path. The point is, he was the person I would compare myself to when others were zipping by. I didn't feel so behind schedule, because he was still navigating his way through his own path.
Life has changed so much in the past couple of years, and while I don't regret my decisions, I do find myself stopping to think why are you here? What are you spending your days thinking about? What do you truly want out of today? I have answered those questions for myself, and the answers weren't easy to face. I have to change things to make them happen.
Things change - people change- relationships change. We tend to give power to people we can compare ourselves to. We put too much weight on what they are doing. Put that energy into yourself. I have to stop thinking about their paths and focus on my own. Confront your own journey. Voice your needs and follow where you want to go.
I am sure some reading this might wonder if I wish I took a different path. The answer is no. I see that pebbled path as something different now. It's not as smooth as marble for sure but it's exciting and it's mine. I never did respond in that dream. Who knows maybe each time I was happy just where I was and was late because I was coming from somewhere I was really supposed to be. My perfect ending to that dream? He turns around, says "you're late" and I respond "I know and that's okay."